Queries For

Cruisette

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Dear Cruisette,

While I'm not over the hill, I can certainly see the top of it. Am I going to fit in?

Dear Breathless,

Out of Breath

Doll, we have people all over the hill, including some who built the hill and some who can't spell hill yet.

Dear Cruisette,

I joined a gym this week. How big does my chest have to be before I can get on an RSVP auise? Puny Pecs Dear Big Enough,

I suggest a chest at least big enough to hold all the clothes you bring but you certainly don't need a steamer trunk. Our sailors run the gamut from Steve Reeves to Wally Cox.

Dear Cruisette,

I'm the only Lesbian in my town, I don't want to be the only one at sea.

Alone in North Dakota

Dear Alone but-not-for-long. North Dakota! Just pack your bags and come meet some women. About five percent of our passengers are Lesbians. As long as you enjoy the company of Gay men, you'll have a great time.

Dear Cruisette,

I'm just so worried that being on a ship with 750 other Gay men will be boring and like living in a Gay bar for seven days.

Dear Jaded,

Jaded

Honey, have you seen a therapist? Get a grip...preferably alligator. The Cruise is anything you want it to be.

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Dear Cruisette,

My lover and I got a waterbed. After 20 minutes I tumed green. How will I handle a ship? Dear Ill Bill,

III Bill

I recommend a tasteful brown sweater to complement your skin. To avoid a week of hanging over the railing, the doctor can prescribe a little medicated patch that goes behind your ear and can be easily camouflaged with earrings.

Dear Cruisette,

I only have eyes for my lover and am afraid the cruise will be a sexual feeding frenzy. Piranha Bait

Dear Bait, The ship is equally balanced between couples and singles. RSVP cruises are not floating bath houses, there's not a locker in sight.

Dear Cruisette,

I bet the costume ball is nothing but drag queens in expensive gowns?

Dear Butchish,

Butchish

The masquerade Ball has female impersonators, male impersonators and... well, don't ask. Costumes range from that $1000 gown to a couple of napkins and some velcro. So grab your glitter and glue, roll on the floor and party!

Dear Cruisette,

Some friends who returned from the cruise keep saying odd things like "oooooh, ahhhhh" and "Linda Evangelista? Why she's a high fashion cover girl with very short hair!" and "Evil queen!" Why, why, why!?

B. Wildered in Brooklyn

Dear B. Wildered,

Over the years the RSVP cruises have developed a series of inside jokes that have a life of their own, but you have to come on board to find out what they mean. Then you too, can irritate your friends who haven't sailed with RSVP.

Dear Cruisette,

The last cruise I sailed (not RSVP), I heard Vikie Edie do an hour of "My Way" and the bus and truck tour of "The Sound of Music” where Bruno, the tour director played all eight children. Cautious to Cruise

Dear Cautious, I know Bruno and you're right, he does great voices, but is just a little too hairy for the parts. RSVP cruises have really great entertainment. Performers like Gotham, Joan Rivers, Helen Reddy, Pudgy, Rita Moreno and Danny Williams are just a few of the living legends to have livened our evenings. And guests such as Quentin Crisp and Vito Russo to enlighten our days. RSVP promises to hire no entertainers who lip sync "New York, New York."

Dear Cruisette,

My lover and I are taking our first RSVP cruise. I'm just packing a gym bag with speedos, shorts, shirts and slacks. My lover looks like he's evacuating. Who's right here?

Less is More

Dear Less is More, You both are. An RSVP cruise is whatever you want it to be. If you're compelled to have the correct outfit for every event, fine. If you're comfortable just hanging out in shorts and a tank top, that's fine, too. However, I suggest you throw a jacket into your duffle for the dining room. Wouldn't want to catch a cold from the draft on your shoulders..